The decision to live or die seems like an easy one to most. But on that day…
If you haven’t read part one about my struggle with suicide, you can read it by clicking here.
The Ongoing Struggle
While the decision had been made for that fateful night, the idea of taking my own life continued to come back to me.
Sometimes it was in the form of “My family would be better off”.
Other times the thoughts of “I wish I hadn’t survived in that hospital bed.” permeated my mind.
A combination of fear, sadness and anger. All three of these paths pointed me to wanting everything to end. And this went on for months and months and months.
Betrayal? Or Protection?
My beautiful Felicia started noticing the increasing habits of mine when things were going bad.
- Pointing an invisible gun to my head and pulling the trigger
- Saying things like “I should have stayed in the hospital”
- And “Things sure were easier when I was so crippled
When she expressed her concern and said “You should control your words. People are going to think you’re suicidal.” I confessed.
I told her about that night alone in the dark, trying to make a logical decision on whether I should live or take my life.
She was rightfully angry. “Why didn’t you get me?” There was as much hurt in her pretty face as there was anger.
Well, the answer was obvious to me. Because she would stop me. She is pretty selfless and wouldn’t ever do anything to harm me.
But to me, my decision to remain silent was protecting her from worry. I didn’t want her constantly watching me in fear I was about to snap and hurt myself.
Hallucination or Vision?
This went on for some time before any resolution was found.
I was in the shower, miserable and frustrated, depressed and angry, having some prayer time.
I don’t remember my exact words but I prayed something to the affect of “Why couldn’t it have all just ended back then when I was asleep and didn’t know what was happening?”
There was no flash of light. No booming voice or new surroundings.
But when I closed my eyes, there were two options presented before me. Like the meme of the guy with two buttons trying to make a choice.
Granted, it didn’t look anything like this. It didn’t really have any form at all really. I just knew there were two options in front of me. And I had to choose one.
One option, I knew, was “Finish life, see what it held, and then enter heaven.”
The other option just meant “Enter heaven”.
I stared at these two options and saw my children growing up. I saw myself with Felicia, enjoying each other and laughing. Traveling. Seeing the world.
As I watched these things unfold in front of me, the choice of “Finish life first” became more and more obvious as the right path.
I chose… opened my eyes… and the anger and depression was gone.
Believer or Non Believer?
I don’t share this as a way to try to convince anyone to believe what I believe. You’ll have to make that decision for yourself.
But, whether you believe or not, your future has potential. Even if your current situation looks like its not worth living through, the future is waiting for you.
I’m not going to pretend that I never thought about suicide again. I did. But the weight it carried was greatly dissipated. It was more like a reaction than a literal consideration.
The anger, frustration and depression didn’t vanish like magic either.
But now I had this future I’d had a glimpse of. And I could always reference that vision in my head when things were looking grim.
The Beginning
It’s only been 7 years since this revelation. 7 years of hard work, changing my life and the lives of those around me.
- Becoming a nurse and helping to save lives
- Bringing our 4th child into the world
- Raising my boys to become young men
- Raising my daughter to be a young lady and an example to other young ladies
- Writing a book that is in hospital units for nurses to read and reference. You can check it out here.
- Visiting families in need of encouragement
And I’m 45 with plenty of life left to battle the negativity my illness brought to me and my family.
There is too much for each of us to do for any one of us to give up too early.
No addiction, no past, no debilitation is worth giving up over when there’s still work to be done.
If you read this and you find yourself in need of encouragement, reach out to a loved one. A friend. Family.
And if you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to, send us an email. Your information will remain confidential. We aren’t professionals or anything of that nature.
But we have eyes and ears. pardonprogress@gmail.com
Pardon Our Progress 
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