My Struggle With Suicide – And Why I Chose Life

I didn’t consider suicide because I hated myself so much… but because I loved my family more.

Discovering Depression

To be completely honest, prior to my stay in the hospital, I didn’t even believe in depression.

I believed in sadness. I believed in anger and frustration. And depression was just a trendy little word to describe these things.

In my defense, though one isn’t warranted, “depression” is something that almost everyone I’ve ever met claims they have. A symptom that cannot be seen is easy to claim.

More than once in my life, someone would tell me they just couldn’t function because of depression. I never voiced it but, in my head, I would say “Get over it and move on.”

I didn’t even face depression while in the hospital. When you’re in that bed:

• Being crippled is your job.
• People feeling sorry for you is normal.
• You’re medicated through a lot of it.
• You’re not supposed to feel good in a hospital bed.

But when you get home? Well, that’s a different story entirely.

When Sadness Sets In

Being at home felt like a victory. People greeted me, came to see me, told me how happy they were that I was back.

I got to see my kids again and spend quality time with them.

But I wasn’t blind. I wasn’t dumb. I could see what was going on.

• I saw my sweet Felicia doing all of the work alone.
• I sat quietly in the shower while she had to bathe me.
• I felt guilty when she had to get someone else to help her with things.
• I listened while she had to tell the kids “We can’t go. Daddy can’t handle that yet.”

As time passed, I saw her wearing down. She never complained. She never cried in front of me. But I’m not a stupid man.

It’s been 7 years and my eyes just watered while typing about it.

And if you find yourself in a similar situation, scroll down to my email and reach out. Call a loved one. You should not face this alone like I did.

I tried to start doing things myself. She would hear me moving around, just trying to get to my bedside commode.

“What would I do if you fell?” was the question that followed. I wasn’t to do anything without her help. Even though I felt I was breaking her down.

There just didn’t seem to be anything I could do.

The Thing I Could Do

Through it all, there was a lie being repeated over and over in my head.

The voice in my head that spoke up every time:

• I disappointed the kids.
• I had to ask for help.
• I made a mess trying to do things alone.
• People invited me out and I couldn’t go.
• I saw my sweet wife struggling or getting stressed.

The voice that said “You know it would be easier on all of them if you weren’t in their way.”

The Logical Battle For Life

Throughout my life, people have come to me for advice.

If I am anything, I am logical. Able to set aside emotion and think things through without personal opinion. Able to decide what is “best” in a situation.

And so, one night as I lay awake, staring at the ceiling with my beauty sound asleep beside me, I decided that a decision needed to be made right then and there.

I quietly made my way downstairs, didn’t bother turning on any lights, and sat on the sofa in the dark where I could weigh my options logically without distraction.

This was it. I wasn’t sitting with a gun to my head, quivering hands ready to pull a trigger.

I didn’t have a pile of pills in front of me ready to put me down.

But what I had was just as dangerous. A “logical” mind that was perverted by the love for my family and the guilt of the lie that I was ruining their lives.

A Battle Almost Lost

My suffering mind went through the process of weighing the evidence.

• Would they be able to go out more freely? Yes.
• Would their work be easier without me adding to it? Yes.
• Would Felicia be able to spend more quality time with the kids? Yes.

On and on, the questions came with the same answer.

Everything I weighed said they would be better without me. The answer seemed obvious. The decision was, logically, pretty easy.

Thank God emotion stepped in.

Saved By Love

But! … What if my kids were the ones who found me?

What kind of scars would that leave on them?

Could I really hurt them in such a terrible way?

Logic had to be reigned in. There was more to a decision like this than a list of pros and cons for the immediate situation.

Picturing my kids (only 3 at the time, ages 3, 4 and 10) finding me in the morning stayed my decision.

And while the concept of suicide wouldn’t be removed from my mind until God presented me with an almost out of body experience months later, it was quieted for the night.

I crept back upstairs, slipped into bed next to my peacefully oblivious wife, and chose life for another night.

To Be Continued…

There’s more to the story but that is a story all on its own that I’ll share another time.

• Felicia’s reaction when I told her my thoughts
• My continued reasoning of pros and cons
• A trance like vision that ultimately showed me to choose life

But I’ll leave you with this… a note to the reader if you find yourself in a similar situation.

I’ve heard it said that “Suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

What my confused mind couldn’t do was look past the current situation and into the distant future.

• It couldn’t see the loss and emptiness I would have given Felicia
• It couldn’t see my kids growing up without a father’s influence
• It couldn’t know that my 4th child would never have been born
• It couldn’t possibly know that I would end up comforting others going through similar situations.
• It couldn’t rationalize that we would be visiting families in hospitals who were facing these struggles.
• It couldn’t figure out that we would become nurses.
• It didn’t know that other lives would be saved by staying my hand that night.

And more. And all of this in just 7 years. I’m only 45. Who knows what else we have left to do.

And if you’re considering anything like I was, just remember that you have no idea who or what is depending on you in the future.

I never knew I would save lives before that time. And you have no way of knowing what effects you’ll have on others in the future either.

So hold fast. Trust me, you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

But, if you feel you have no one you can reach out to with the troubles you are facing, send us a message. pardonprogress@gmail.com

Let’s talk about it.

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